Dear Mom,
Most people I know feel thankful for having had a good mom while growing up. Most people I know are grateful that their moms are still mothering them even as adults. Most people I know have a supportive mother who offers help with their children, especially when parenting and life become downright exhausting.
But I’m not like most people. While they might write a letter to their moms saying thank you for all the help, I’m writing this letter to say thank you for still mothering me as you always have: badly.
You have Borderline Personality Disorder, and being your daughter wasn’t easy. Yet, if it hadn’t been for your mental illness, I would not be the person I am today, and I really love that person.
Instead of being an emotionally stable and available mother, you neglected, verbally abused, and expected the worst in me. But that’s precisely what made me resilient, strong, and compassionate. Even more important, your failures as a mother have led to my successes as a mom. I am far from perfect, but what is certain is this:
Because you neglected me as a child, I make sure to fully realize the amazingness of my children’s presence. In fact, every day since my kids were born, I have been in awe of their lives. I never lose sight of the wondrousness that is their existence. I reflect on all the life forms that never even get to draw a breath. I contemplate the sheer miraculousness that is pregnancy and birth. Neglecting a child is like saying his or her life doesn’t matter, when in fact every single child’s heartbeat is a precious gift.
Because you were verbally abusive, I am mindful of every word I say to my children. Every day, I tell them what I love about them. I look into their eyes and let them know they are good people with great hearts. When they work hard, show kindness, or demonstrate strength of character, I praise them. Every morning and night, I say “I love you,” and I say it much more than that when we need to part ways. Insulting a child is like giving them a tape recorder of hate speech for them to play on repeat into adulthood. A parent’s words become a child’s internal dialogue.
Because you expected the worst in me, I look for the good in my children. Though sometimes being stern and giving them consequences is necessary, I strive to see the potential in them, even when they make mistakes or misbehave. I find something in them to admire at every stage of their growth. In every child’s heart, there is extraordinary potential, pure goodness, and a willingness to grow well. We parents just need to see and acknowledge that, and they will rise to the occasion.
Sure, there have been times when I collapsed on the bed at 8 pm, exhausted after a long day at work followed by an evening of trying to be a good mom. Of course, there are moments when I don’t do so great as a parent. And there are days when I’m not as mindful as I want to be as a mom.
But because you, mom, failed in so many ways, my kids get a better mother as a result. Because of that, I will go ahead and say thank you for continuing to mother me as you always have, by not being a good mom.
