If you’re a parent, you know that the moment you have a child your whole life changes. Your life revolves around protecting and loving this tiny little person and you follow them every step of the way. Every high and low, you are there to congratulate them or pick them up and dust them off. But eventually, you’re little baby seems to need you less and less and you’re left with this adult who seems to have just appeared right before your eyes.
As parents, we are filled with joy when we see our children grow and succeed on their own, but did you realize how much your happiness is affected by your children?
Your Happiness Isn’t Up To You
A study conducted by Karen Fingerman, a UT Human Development and Family Sciences professor, found that the happiness and well-being of a parent is directly connected to that of their least happy child. Even if these parents have other children who are successful on their own, if one child is unhappy then so are they.
There is a saying about parenthood that states being a parent is like living with your heart outside of your body. This doesn’t change the older they get; because of the love, time, and effort that parents invest in their children, they can become distressed when their children experience hardships [1].
While other studies have shown that general relationships with others can have an effect on our health and well-being, this is the first study to interpret how relationships of this nature can affect us. Karen told The Toronto Star in an interview [2],
“We thought, ‘Well, we know that a general relationship quality seems to have an effect, but these aren’t just general relationships. These are kids you’ve invested in for 25 years.’ And it might be that how they’re turning out is affecting your well-being,” she said.
The study looked at 633 middle-aged adults, between the ages of 40 and 60, and their reports on each of their grown children (1,384), as well as rating their own well-being. The Participants cited problems each child had experienced in the past two years, and rated their children’s successes, as well as the quality of the relationship between child and parent, whether positive or negative[1].
The study seemed to prove the aphorism ‘A mother is only as happy as her least happy child’. Results showed that having a child who was experiencing hardships and unhappiness in their life had a direct effect on the well-being of the parents.
The study also showed, in cases with parents who had multiple children, if just one child was unhappy or unsuccessful while the others were the opposite, parents would still reflect the well-being of that child. The success of one child does not overshadow the unhappiness of the other [2].
“We thought that would help, that you could feel the pride, the positive emotions, you could brag and tell yourself, ‘I am a good parent; that was just a fluke,’ ”explained Fingerman.
“We were surprised that just having a kid with any problems is going to make your mood worse and cause psychological distress for the parent.”
The study also found that there was a correlation between the number of children a parent has and how happy – or miserable – they are. The more number of successful children a parent has, the happier they are, but the opposite is true to and the higher the number of unhappy children a parent has, the lower their quality of life will be.
As it turns out, all those cliches about being a parent may have more than just a grain of truth in them. Being a parent is a huge responsibility, but it can also be an amazing gift. While we are all capable of making ourselves happy, there is nothing like the feeling you get when you see someone you love succeed, grow, and be happy in their own right.
The bond between a parent and their child is something that, while it can be observed, can never be measured.
