Showering moms-to-be with gifts is a relatively new tradition. In fact, it seems to be a North American practice. Other cultures tend to focus on gift-giving and celebrations following the birth. (1)
I was kind of on the fence when it came to whether I wanted kids or not. Seven years into our marriage, my husband and I decided the time was right. We had the traditional shower. We attended the birth classes that regaled us with stories of birth. They explained the birth experience, spoke of breastfeeding, and even mentioned how family would rally around us and bring casseroles when the baby arrives. Unfortunately, I confess we were ill-prepared when my son arrived just shy of being premature. When we went home, that’s when the fear set in.
Going Home
Along with the fear came exhaustion, panic and a feeling I had made a terrible mistake. When I felt hungry, in the back of my mind, there was only one thing I remembered from my birth classes: Family will bring casseroles. But for some reason, they didn’t.
About two days in, my husband came upstairs to find me sitting on our bed, holding our son sobbing. When he asked what was wrong all I could answer was, “Nobody brought casseroles.”
The Baby Blues
Following a baby’s birth, up to 80% of all new mothers experience some form of negative feelings or mood swings. Known as the “baby blues,” a new mom can experience symptoms about a week or two following the birth. (2)
Although the causes of the baby blues haven’t been identified specifically, it has much to do with hormonal changes. Combined with sleep deprivation and a major disruption to your life, feeling overwhelmed is only natural. (2)
Mothering the Mother
Clearly, I was having a touch of the baby blues. For me, luckily it passed quite quickly. I think it faded when my family arrived in droves, casseroles in hand.
In other cultures, they view postpartum as the time to mother the mother. They ensure new mothers have limited activities as family and friends take over the work she has to manage. Mother and baby have time to bond, while others take care of the household. (3)
We, on the other hand, are cast from the hospital expected to be all grace and happy hostess, welcoming family and friends who come to visit the baby. According to Kathleen Kendall-Tackett, Ph.D., IBCLC, this might be why mothers in North America get the baby blues, or the far more serious condition postpartum depression. In fact, in other cultures, postpartum depression is virtually non-existent. (3)
No Time for Self-Care
When focused on the care of our newborns, we need nurturing and care. Even the simple task of finding time to take a shower becomes overwhelming. I remember walking into the bathroom to take a shower and running back to my son who was sleeping soundly. I bundled him into his car seat and brought him in the bathroom with me, terrified I wouldn’t hear him cry over the sound of the running water. It was silly, but I couldn’t help myself.
The Postpartum Party
Marisa Mendez Marthaller is a postpartum doula in New York. She provides guidance and reassurance to help make the transition into parenthood easier. She answers questions, assists with healing and lactation, and even keeps the home clean and the family fed. (4)
Marisa recommends throwing a postpartum party for new moms to replace the traditional shower. Moms are provided nurturing gifts instead of baby clothes. The party is an ongoing affair with family and friends offering different gifts of service such as:
- Sending in meals
- Helping with housework
- Caring for baby while mom naps
- Providing time for showers and sitting down to eat a meal
- Arranging for lactation assistance with a doula (5)
She also recommends setting up visiting hours, so the parade of visitors doesn’t become overwhelming. I know in my case, my family was giving us time to settle in out of respect for our privacy. Once the first guests arrived so too did the casseroles. And they kept on coming, with our care and sanity in mind. (5)
It Takes A Village
The Igbo and Yoruba people of Nigeria believe “It takes a village to raise a child.” The entire community celebrates the arrival of children following the birth of the child, instead of before it occurs as we do in North America. (6)
In retrospect, this is the logical way to celebrate the arrival of a new life. I would say, the postpartum party is a stroke of brilliance – encourage family and friends to adopt it as the new norm for expectant moms.
