Supporting Grieving People During the Holidays
While the holidays are supposed to be full of brightness and good cheer, they can be a difficult time for many people. Often, the special times of the year can be a painful reminder for grieving people of those they have lost.
If you know someone who is grieving this holiday season, there are many ways you can support them. Here are five things grieving people wish you knew at Christmas.
1. Beloved traditions may feel painful.
The holiday season is full of traditions. Whether it’s cutting down a tree as a family, making a traditional candy or baked goods, or singing carols together around the piano, traditions are often what makes this time of year feel so special.
But for those who have lost someone, they might feel the absence of the person they’re grieving more than the joy of joining in the traditions. Instead of making them feel happy, participating in traditional activities could bring their pain to the surface.
To support them, let them know that they’re invited to participate but that no one will be upset if they decide not to this year. It’s important that they feel welcome without being pressured to come to activities that could be challenging for them.
2. Their head might be elsewhere.
You may notice that your grieving friend seems spacey or has their head in the clouds during holiday gatherings. It’s normal for someone who has experienced loss to not be completely present during the grieving process. Allow them to mentally rejoin the gathering whenever they’re ready. And if nothing else, don’t let anyone wave their hands in front of their face and say, “Hello! Are you there?” Your friend deserves to grieve however best suits them, and you can help others understand that.
3. They need their feelings to be accepted.
Joy is the expected emotion of the holiday season. We say hello with greetings like, “Happy holidays!” “Merry Christmas!” “Happy Hanukkah!”
Your grieving friend or family member may not feel up to the cheerfulness of the holiday season. And that might make them want to opt-out altogether. Let them know that they can come to holiday gatherings and activities feeling however they need to feel, whether that’s sad, grumpy, or out of it. And if they just don’t want to go, that’s okay too.
4. Social gatherings are difficult.
Events and parties can be challenging for people who are grieving. They may not be up for small talk or meeting new people because something monumental has occurred in their life. They might also be worried about getting asked questions about their loved one who has passed away.
If you and a grieving friend have been invited to the same event, offer to pick them up so they have a buddy. Make a plan in the car about what you will do if they become sad or overwhelmed. And if you’ve invited a person who is grieving to a party you’re throwing, let them know that, although you’d love for them to be there, you’ll understand if they don’t make it. That way they can decide whether or not to come based on what is best for them, not because they’re afraid they’ll hurt your feelings.
5. They don’t want their loved ones to be forgotten.
The holiday season can seem like it’s moving forward full-force without those who have passed away. It might feel like someone you’re mourning has been forgotten or isn’t as important to the people around you.
If a friend or family member is grieving, ask them how they’d like to remember or honor their loved one this season. It could result in a small dedication or a brand-new tradition. My grandfather passed away on Christmas Day one year. He and my grandmother lived on a farm. In the pasture was a pond with an island in the middle of it. The next year, my family decorated the bridge and trees on the island with lights so we could see them from the farmhouse. It was a tribute to the light my grandfather was in all of our lives, and it’s a tradition that we’ve continued twelve years later.
The most important thing you can do for the grieving people in your life this holiday season is to let them know you’re there for them. Ask them what they need from you, and reassure them that they’re not alone, even if the holidays feel difficult this year.
