Being a parent is the most rewarding, yet challenging, job you will ever experience in your lifetime. It is full of beautiful moments, while you’re second-guessing every decision you make at the very same time.

With the million decisions you need to make as a parent, you may wonder how much you should be doing for your child and how much they should be doing for themselves. If we cater to every single need and demand, will they appreciate you bending over backwards for them or become spoiled and ungrateful? Certainly, you want to do everything you can for this little person you love more than life itself. But, what if doing too much is actually causing more harm than good?

Help Me to Help Myself

“Help me to help myself.” Such a profound motto originated by, Maria Montessori, physician and educator, best known for her philosophies on education. There is so much truth behind those simple, yet powerful words. (1)

As a mother, I am guilty myself for occasionally jumping at every request and desire my child bestows upon me. But, I do notice it seems often unappreciated. I tell myself that I brought her into this world by choice, so I should do my absolute best to make everything as easy as possible for her. Then, I realize that is not going to help her grow or become self-sufficient. I do agree that giving her responsibilities will only make her stronger and more independent. Sometimes, it’s hard to let go. You still see them as so small and helpless. But, they are capable of so much and I do believe the more you cater to them, the more they rely on you and fail to fully respect you.

Our job as parents is to teach our kids how to help themselves. How to do their own hair, shower themselves, brush their own teeth, pick out their own outfits. Show them they are capable and we believe in and trust their decisions. When they conquer these tasks on their own, give them a new task that is age-appropriate for them to do for themselves.

The next time you are about to do something for your child, as yourself first, “Can my child do that by himself/herself?

Where Do You Begin?

“When children are able to do things for themselves, it increases their self-belief, self-confidence, and self-esteem. This will carry on throughout their lives.” (1)

You can start small, baby steps. For younger children around 2 to 6 years old, observe what they can do on their own and guide them if they struggle. Simple everyday tasks such as brushing teeth, getting dressed, and putting shoes on should be easy to achieve independently in that age group.

As your child gets older, between 8 and 12, they can handle bigger independent tasks. These may include, showering by themselves, making themselves breakfast, choosing their outfits, and perhaps, packing their own lunch for school.

Multiple Layers of Respect

Yes, teaching your kids that you are not their doormat or servant will only help them, in the long run, to be self-sufficient. However, that’s not to say it’s the only way your kids will respect you. There are other components to gaining respect from them, of course. Setting limits, talking to them with kindness and respect, showing them unconditional love and support, and acting as the parent instead of a friend are some ways your child will ultimately respect you as the parent.

Providing your kids with all the necessary tools to be confident, self-sufficient, and strong is the best gift you can give to them. So remember, the next time you hear your kid scream from across the house, “Mom, go get me a snack”, you nicely reply with, “Honey, you know where the snacks are, please help yourself!” Because parents, it’s time to take away the butler bell!