When people get married, the idea is usually to stay together until that whole ‘death do us part’ thing. But sometimes life just doesn’t work out that way and couples can find themselves drifting apart. So, when couples decide that life together isn’t what they thought it would be, divorce is usually what follows. But what about when the couple isn’t just a couple, but also parents?
As a parent, caring and protecting for your children is your biggest concern. You want to give them every opportunity in life and give them the best chance to be successful, whatever that success might look like. But when a couple decides that being together is not what they want, do they decide to divorce or do they try to stay together for the kids? You both wants what’s best for your children, so it’s important to see things clearly and it’s important to ask what is the best option?
The Effect Of Divorce On Children
For years, people have thought that children who have separated or divorced parents carry that trauma with them through their lives. While it’s true that witnessing your parents separate and divorce can be traumatic, it doesn’t mean that this period will haunt them for the rest of their lives. While a significant minority of children experience prolonged symptoms of their parents’ divorce, the effect on most children is short lived. On average, parents reach a balance within two years of separation, establishing polite but distant communication with their ex-partner, and their children, in turn, adapt to the new living arrangements [1].
But what about those parents that decide staying together is what is best for the kids? If a couple wants to try and stay together and work through their problems, there are licensed counsellors that can help them decide whether they can resolve their issues or if there is no reconciliation and how to proceed from there. However, if these parents decide to stay together but make no attempt to reconcile their relationship, this could seriously affect their children.
Children of parents living in a loveless marriage have different obstacles to overcome than other children their age. This can negatively affect their development, as children learn behaviours by observing their parents. If they are witnesses to a poor relationship, it skews their view on what a healthy relationship looks like [2]. According to the Journal of the American Board of Family Medicine, the more conflict within a marriage directly correlates with the more harm it can cause children. The most detrimental problems happen when a child feels like they are trapped and forced to choose between parents. Parents embroiled in conflict with one another divert emotional energy meant for their children into their issues and withdrawing from their roles as parents [2].
Other issues affecting children in bad marriages are [3]:
- Chronic Tension. Children grow and develop by internalizing their parents. If these parents are at odds with one another, the child internalizes this conflict, leaving them feeling tension when their parents instead of comfort. Ongoing tension can lead to serious problems like hopelessness, chronic fatigue, and depression.
- Unstable Sense of Self. Seeing constant conflict between parents weighs heavy on a child’s mind and eats away at their security, making them second guess their own impulses and desires. For example, they could be gifted at school, but go out of their way to sabotage themselves.
- Fear of Intimacy. Children raised by combatting parents have trouble getting close to others. Being intimate can trigger memories of childhood trauma, so they avoid closeness to avoid being hurt. If they do find themselves in a relationship, they are usually very guarded and tend to reenact their parents’ behavior when faced with conflict with their partner.
- Mood Problems. Children with parents that are in constant conflict can struggle with emotional problems. If these issues are left untreated, they can manifest into personality disorders or even substance abuse.
Everyone has different ways of raising their children, and you’ll find as many different opinions as there are parents. What most experts will agree on however, is that a marriage with combating parents can be disastrous for the well-being of the children. It’s important to not only do what’s best for your children, but also for yourself and your partner even if that means separation. Consult a counselor to figure out what is best for you and your family.
