For you, what constitutes a friend? Perhaps shared passions define a friend for you… a fellow Deadhead or 49ers fan. Shared experiences, like the guy who always puts his yoga mat by yours in class, or the lady you chat with on the same bus route every morning. Maybe the “friend” designation is reserved only for those you’d phone at 2 am when you really need a shoulder to cry on. Or maybe to you, everyone’s just a friend you haven’t met yet. It’s likely there is a spectrum of people in your life. Some are acquaintances, and some are more than that.
In 2016, researchers decided to look closer at 84 participants to judge their perception of their friends, and the study result has some surprising news: Your friends may not think of you as a friend. (1)
Friendly Fire
The study worked like this: Each participant was asked to rate other study participants on a scale of 0-5, where 0 means they don’t know the person at all, 3 is considered a friend, and 5 is a best friend. Then, just like the old Newlywed Game, subjects were asked to predict how their counterparts would rate them.
You’d expect that a person who rated others a 3 – their friend – to be rated as such by the people they considered a friend. But about half the time, that is not what happened at all. The people who received a 3 rating, did not give a 3 rating. Though they were considered a friend by someone, they didn’t consider that person a friend. (2)
At first blush, that’s a bummer, no two ways about it.
That’s what begs the question: Who do you consider a friend?
This study shows us the answer to that question is as unique and varied as the noses on our faces.
Though on the surface it may feel like a blow to the ego, it doesn’t have to be. Designating someone a 3 isn’t anything other than a sign of how you feel… what this person represents to you personally.
Friends Are Love
Perhaps you only get to see someone twice annually, for example, and you’re not the kind of person who needs a lot of facetime with your friends. But imagine that every time you see them they really light you up. They are easy to talk to. Time just flies by. When asked if this person is a friend, you enthusiastically rate them a 3.
Now let’s say everything is exactly the same for your 3, but they personally need a lot more one-on-one time with their friends. So, while they sincerely value the time they spend with you too, you’re just not a 3 for them. They need more.
Would that change how you feel about the time you get to spend with them? Are your friends only your friends if you both believe you’re friends?
I don’t think there is any right or wrong way to answer that question… the question is as personal as the answer that begs the question to begin with.
One thing is for certain: home is where the heart is, and the things we hold dear are different from person to person. These things feed our own souls, not others.
Famed poet Johann Wolfgang von Goethe wrote: “If I love you, what business is it of yours?”, and I suppose that’s one lesson here. In order for everyone to be free, we must always love others unconditionally. How they receive it, what they do with it, isn’t up to us.
