Experiencing the death of one’s own child is perhaps one of the hardest things a person can endure. It’s not supposed to happen that way… a bright new life is created from your own, a gift made just for you, by you, and then that light is snuffed out. You’re left to pick up and move on. But how? You were planning a life of teaching lessons, of scraped knees, first dates and high school prom. College dorms and holiday visits. Instead, you’re planning a funeral. How do you move on from this sadness, regret at what never will be?
Grief Is Personal
Grieving the loss of a child or family member is such a unique and individual process. And oh goodness, the pinnacle of difficulty. Grief will break up whole marriages, end lifelong friendships, and even take more lives. Grief is an ache in your heart so tender it feels bruised, an all-consuming cloak of sadness that is at once invisible and one of the heaviest weights a person can bear.
Our challenge, should we choose to accept it, is to somehow fit the pieces back together. Un-shatter it. To make this pain worth it, and to make the life of our loved one mean something to the world like it means something to us. Patty Holliday did exactly that. And though she has certainly moved forward in life, her sweet boy, Jacob, is never far from her thoughts. In fact, she fit those pieces back together so his memory stays alive even more than she’d ever imagined.
Jacob, aka Super Jake, was born with a heart defect. Only 3 days into his short life, he had his first heart surgery, and within his first year, he’d already had a heart transplant. Illnesses would plague Jake’s young body, and ultimately he would succumb to cancer that is commonly found in transplant patients. Super Jake was only 4 years old when Patty had to say goodbye.
He’d be in his late teens now, and while the wounds on Patty’s heart and soul are no longer fresh, they are never going away. (1) That’s fine by her. Keeping Jacob’s memory alive helps her grieve, and she’s also made it a very important part of her life’s work.
Grief Is Transformational
She wove Jacob’s short but joyful existence right into her own life’s purpose, and she amplified both of their voices at the same time. After he died and the grief began taking hold, she found herself plagued with questions of “why did this happen?” and “what was the point of that?” “what is the point of any of this?” She was dragging her feet through life, unclear on next steps, so mired in sadness and grief. She had started a blog and would write about Jacob, leaving handwritten notes with the blog link wherever she could. Writing and thinking. Telling anyone who would listen, the story of Jacob.
Eventually one day, she would find herself visiting Disney World in Florida. This was a place they used to love when Jake was young. Patty had fantastic memories of their time there, and she realized she could actually feel his presence there. More importantly, she realized it made her happy to feel him there. It wasn’t a morbid or heavy feeling, it was nothing but joy. She wanted more of that joy.
So, she began blogging about Disney trips and became a travel agent who specializes in Disney vacations. And now, every few months, she gets to go to Super Jake’s happiest place on Earth. She gets to ride the train like he loved, and fill her heart with joy, just like he did.
Though Patty’s story is immensely sad, it’s also a story of her ability to triumph over her grief. It’s a story of her willingness to sit with the pain until it showed her a new way of being. One that honors the sweet memory of her son, and carries it into her newfound purpose in life: facilitating joy. Just like Jake did.
