We all know the feelings of grief and loss, though they may be hard to put into words. A cherished part of your life is gone, and your heart and soul feel tired. When that loss involves a parent it can be devastating, even as we grow older and the loss becomes more expected.
You can’t ever truly prepare for the death of your mom or dad, even when it comes on the heels of a long illness. You can’t really know how to say goodbye until life requires that you do. You can only be aware, and compassionate with yourself after the fact when processing your own feelings of loss.
Grief Is Not “One Size Fits All”
Know that you are not alone, no matter how you feel. There is always support and information out there for you, particularly online. Grief is complex and so personal. It can be all-encompassing, or it can come and go. Sometimes it can do both in the span of an hour.
How a person grieves is as unique as they are, and this definition gets at the heart of it:
“Grief is an ongoing and evolving experience involving cognitive, emotional, physical, and behavioral responses to a loss. Responses may be related to the object of loss, secondary losses and stressors, the self, others, and the world (i.e. beliefs about safety, security, worldview, etc.)” (1)
The range of potential responses to grief is extensive, and even your brain gets on board with the struggle and the healing. It’s worth repeating: You are not alone. There is always support and information out there for you.
What Happens Physically When We Grieve
As we know, the range of responses to the death of a parent can vary greatly.
The list of common issues reads a lot like depression: headaches, anxiety, forgetfulness, lack of focus, body aches and fatigue. During this time of grief, and learning how to move forward in life without a mother or father, it is completely expected that you would experience all of these things. Probably more. Things that are unique only to you, because only you had that upbringing, that special bond with your special person. Give yourself a break, you’re in uncharted territory.
It turns out that even your brain exhibits physical changes as it processes grief. There are three main areas of the brain at work while grief runs its course: the posterior cingulate cortex, frontal cortex, and cerebellum. And it just so happens that these areas are responsible for regulating sleep and appetite. (4) In this way, it makes a lot of sense why some people feel grief in every fiber of their being, and many find it difficult to function. The very things that are responsible for nourishment and repair of your body, are asleep at the wheel!
The Process Of Healing
At some point, likely soon after the event, you’re going to really want to stuff it down and just move on. Fake it ‘til you make it, and eventually, the pain of loss will not be all-consuming. But healing yourself really is a process, and not one to be taken lightly. You’re in the midst of rebuilding, in a way. Even the strongest people can’t do it all, and that’s why they ask for help.
Just as the list of physical manifestations is long and varied, so too are the methods of dealing with grief. It’s certainly not one size fits all. Some people choose support groups, some go for a new workout routine. You might enroll in that art class finally, or book your dream vacation abroad. Maybe you just need sleep. You know what’s brilliant for a grieving heart and brain? Rest. Recovery time. Sleep.
Whatever way it suits you to honor your grief, is the right way. Just be sure you’re doing it with love and compassion for yourself. No self-medicating or self-destructive behaviors, your brain is in a fog as it is. Be kind to it, you need each other. If you see yourself slipping down the “self medication slope”, be strong and ask for help.
Why Healing Is Necessary
To not process your grief is to basically allow the physical and emotional aches and pains to just sit there. You start to live your life around them. Your brain is fantastically adaptable. It’ll learn to live within these new parameters. What was initially a grief response begins to take hold as a habit, and those habits then dictate your behaviors. Now it’s a way of life, carrying around all this pain.
But, don’t you think that the last thing your parent would want, is for their loss to cripple you? You were a gift to them… your arrival was a literal gift of life. Honor their memory by living well! By moving on with strength and grace. That’s what they’d really want, and you know it.
Walking Home
The death of a parent is one of those rites of passage that no one really wants to experience. And yet, the experience is almost universal. What this means, for those of us who are grieving, is that we are never alone. To quote spiritual teacher and clinical psychologist Ram Dass: “We are all just walking each other home.” (3)
As you continue on your own journey through life and find yourself needing to be strong at times through this grief, remember that you are not alone. There are support groups, hotlines, exercise classes, and a whole lot of sleep to be had. (2) There is compassion for yourself to give. Good luck, and be gentle with you… you’re a gift, you know.
