When it comes to raising children, many experts have thrown their hat in the ring. But, perhaps, it doesn’t hurt to look to the arts. Maybe Philip Larkin said it best in his poem, This Be The Verse:

 . . .your mum and dad.   

    They may not mean to, but they do.   

They fill you with the faults they had

    And add some extra, just for you.

But, according to a new study, a child’s difficulties may lie more on one parent than the other–and it may not be the one you think. (1)

“The Role of Family for Youth Friendships”

In February of 2018, the Journal of Youth and Adolescence published an article, “The Role of Family for Youth Friendships: Examining a Social Anxiety Mechanism.” The article, written by doctoral student Hio Wa “Grace” Mak, with assistance from professors Gregory Fosco and Mark Feinberg, looked at children who faced rejection from mothers or fathers in two-parent households, as well as examining the overall family dynamic. The results of the study they conducted showed that rejection from fathers led to a dramatic increase in social anxiety for young people. By a year later, this social anxiety had caused severe loneliness. Motherly rejection and a difficult family climate did not have the same impact. (2, 3)

A New Take on Family Studies

While fathers may have the most dramatic impact, it’s important to note that the relationship with the mother isn’t inconsequential. “We found that mother rejection, father rejection and the overall family climate all affect adolescents’ friendship quality and loneliness,” Mak says.  “Additionally, we found that father rejection, but not mother rejection, predicted changes in social anxiety.” (2)

Although the findings are interesting, the researchers say there’s another reason why this study is so important. According to Mak, “fathers aren’t usually included in family research.” Because of this, “it’s important to know more about fathers and how they influence adolescent friendship and loneliness.”
Fosco thinks that their research gives new insight on how to help socially anxious young people: “When we try to intervene and help promote positive peer relationships, we focus on the school setting. We might be overlooking the family as an important piece of cultivating these healthy peer relationships.” (3)

The Damage Absent Fathers Can Do

On Psychology Today, Peg Streep, author and co-author of a number of books on toxic childhoods, says the effects of an absent father can reverberate through the years. She says that it’s quite common for children to normalize the behavior they see in their childhoods. Not until the child reaches adulthood, exposed to a wider variety of “normal” relationships, do they see the damage done. And if you’re surprised you haven’t heard more about fathers in the rearing of children, don’t be. The first textbook on fathers wasn’t published until 1979. And the distinctiveness of the fatherly relationships can’t be overstated. Streep says “Fathers tend to interact with their infants, toddlers, and children differently than mothers do” and “children are more apt to choose Dad over Mom.”
Knowing this, it’s not surprising an absent father has a clear effect. (4)