The invention of text messaging as the new way to communicate was the best day of my life. Sometimes it’s the only way I talk with my friends, and sometimes I don’t even manage that. I’m grateful every day for the friends who pick up like I never dropped it.

Friends After Motherhood Is Different

My life changed when I had children. Suddenly I was entirely consumed with keeping another human alive. No one tells you how much that will consume you and the spaces of your mind that you didn’t even know existed. Suddenly there is hardly an inch of space for yourself, let alone your partner or any other relationships. Throw in a job and any fulfilling hobbies and there doesn’t seem to be space for anything.

And yet, my friends, my best friends, are the people who help me through motherhood. They’re the ones who listen to me vent about parenting problems and my boss and my hormones. But there are times when I can’t bear to talk to another human or help another person figure themselves out. There are times when my own health is so precarious that it’s an effort to help myself after I help my babies. And I can’t help anyone else. Sometimes I need my friends, but I don’t want to – or can’t – talk to them. In those times, I’m so grateful for those who are there for themselves first and still love me when I’m quiet.

We Need Self-Fulfilled Friends

I learned over the years that I am unable to keep up with friends with high expectations. I can’t keep up with every post or respond to every message within seconds of receiving it. Our friendships can’t be keeping count of who texted last or who invited who last. I have difficulty keeping track of my own calendar and I certainly don’t have time for high standards I can’t live up to. I need friends who reach out and make sure I’m okay and invite me places but don’t get upset or indignant when I don’t come. People who talk about real things, but don’t bring the gossip and the drama during that one time I finally make it out.

I need the ones who recognize that a text message that says “you okay, girl? because you didn’t comment on my post or respond to my last 13 messages and I have a lot going on and I can’t worry about another person” is not checking up on me. I need friends who are self-fulfilled instead of selfish.

Friends Who Do The Work First

Here’s to the friends who work on themselves and fulfill their own needs. Who recognize what’s missing from their own lives and seek to make themselves whole on their own. To the friends who don’t ask others to fill needs and roles that they should fill for themselves. To the friends who do the work first and then bring their real selves to the table. Those who support and love and hold space for themselves first and then for us, so that we can do the same for ourselves.