Throughout our lives, we build and end relationships as we evolve. These relationships include friendships, romantic partners, and family. The intimacy level of each relationship changes as our lives change – with romantic relationships, family, and children often taking precedence and more time than our friendships. (1)
Friendships are a special kind of relationship we choose. While we can’t really stop speaking to our kids, spouses, and, in many cases, family members, we can go days, weeks, months or even years with very little contact with many of our friends. But is this okay? Is it possible to maintain a true friendship with so many life changes and so little contact in between meetings? Yes, it is. And here’s why. (1)
What We Expect From True Friendship
According to William Rawlins, the Stocker Professor of Interpersonal Communication at Ohio University people ranging in age from 14 to 100 all list three things that are important to friendship:
- Somebody to talk to.
- Someone to depend on.
- Someone to enjoy. (1)
“These expectations remain the same, but the circumstances under which they’re accomplished change,” says Rawlins. If you can meet these three criteria, chances are you are a good friend. (1)
The Stages Of Friendship
We experience friends in very different ways at different stages of our lives. According to Rawlins, childhood friends are based on fun; adolescent friends evolve to include more self-disclosure and support; and in young adulthood, friends are more likely to share values on the “important things.” Friendships in young adulthood are more complex and intimate. Rawlins refers to young adulthood as the “golden age for forming friendships.” (1)
As young adulthood ends, friendships are often overshadowed by work, marriage, and kids. Rawlins views this as a sad fact of life since those we share our lives with in young adulthood are the people who contribute the most to who we become. They are also there when we are making some of our most important life choices. (1)
Maintaining True Friendship
Emily Langan, an associate professor of communication at Wheaton College, says friends in adulthood are a form of “double agent.” These relationships are completely voluntary allowing us to get in and out as we please. (1)
Langan says by adulthood your friendships probably fall into one of three categories:
- Active: These are the people you see regularly. You can depend on them for emotional support. You share info about each other’s lives.
- Dormant: These friendships usually have history. Even if you don’t talk on a regular basis, you’re always happy to hear from them no matter how much time has passed.
- Commemorative: This is often a “social media” friend you don’t expect to hear from or see. They are usually someone from your past. You share fond memories, so still think of them as a friend. (1)
Rawlins cautions us that friendships are “always susceptible to circumstances.” This can change the category we might place a friend. Rawlins says people view friendships as continuous, even when they experience long periods out of touch. “That is how friendships continue because people are living up to each other’s expectations,” he says. (1)
What makes friendship special is that it is not something we “have to do” but instead something we “choose to do.” That’s why talking every day is not a must to be true friends. Just being there is enough. (1)
