Apologies permeate our lives. We all make mistakes, from the latest celebrity scandal to your Starbucks barista messing up your order. But not all apologies are created equal.
Part of the reason so many of us can get stuck in toxic relationships is because of apologies. When you are a healthy person, your apologies stem from a genuine place of remorse and wanting to do better. When you are a toxic person, your apologies are about something else. The cycle of abuse involves a reconciliation stage: where the abuser tries to make things right to convince their victims to stay. Part of that is an apology–but it will almost never be genuine. (1)
Below are four types of false apologies to be aware of.
Sorry, But. . .
“I’m sorry, but” is the most common form of this apology, but there’s also variations. “I’m sorry you. . .” or “I’m sorry if.”
Examples
- “I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt.”
- “Sorry you felt offended.”
- “I’m sorry, but it’s not my fault.”
- “I am sorry, but you’re misunderstanding.”
- “I’m sorry, but I didn’t mean it.”
Why It’s Toxic
These apologies are about denying responsibility. “If” often functions in the same way as “you”–it’s implying that you are the problem. If you’re upset, it’s a choice you’re making. You are behaving in a way that’s unreasonable or unfair. “But” is the same. They’re sorry, but there’s a reason that they didn’t do anything that bad. The but negates the apology, by implying there are circumstances that justify it. According to Psychology Today, it “cancels out an apology, and nearly always introduces a criticism or excuse.” (2, 3)
Over Apologizing
If you’ve been in a relationship with a toxic person, this is familiar. The apology stops being an acknowledgment of wrongdoing and becomes an amateur theatre production.
Examples
- “I’m the worst person in the world.”
- “I’m a monster.”
- “I don’t deserve your forgiveness.”
- “The world would be better off without me in it.”
Why It’s Toxic
An over apology is the exact opposite of the goal of a real apology: ”acknowledging the feelings of the hurt party without overshadowing them with your own pain or remorse.” The over apology is all about putting their own feelings on center stage. It stops being about them apologizing to you and becomes you comforting them. The act of apologizing has made them a victim of you. It’s a manipulative and abusive tactic. It gaslights you into thinking that asking for an apology is an act of violence against them–and that you can’t do it. (3)
The Bargaining Apology
This apology isn’t an acknowledgment of wrong–it’s currency.
Examples
- “If I apologize, you need to drop this.”
- “You have to admit this was your fault, then I’ll apologize.”
- “If I apologize, you just need to give me what I want.”
Why It’s Toxic
An apology is supposed to be
- An acknowledgment of wrongdoing.
- A promise not to do it again.
If the apology comes with conditions, it’s not meeting these requirements. If you genuinely feel what you did was wrong, you don’t need a favor to acknowledge it. This kind of apology is designed to shut you up. (2)
The Forced Apology
Examples
- “Mom told me I had to apologize.”
- “My friends said I was wrong.”
Why It’s Toxic
It implies that they don’t believe they’re wrong. Even worse, someone else has told them they are in the wrong, and so they’ve come to apologize. That person’s opinion of their behavior is more important than your feelings. (2)
You deserve better than to be treated this way! The next time you find yourself on the receiving end of a false apology, don’t take it personally. But do take it into consideration, strongly.
