It’s such a simple thing, so basic to the premise of being human. It’s even called The Golden Rule, a gold standard by which we should all live: “Treat others as you’d want to be treated.”
Parenting adds another level to this Golden Rule. As a parent, being a positive role model becomes something more like “treat others as you’d want to be treated because your kid is a little sponge and she’s watching your every move.”
The Power Of Potential
Children are natural explorers. Their job in life is simply to learn and grow, finding their way in the world through the guidance of their elders. The job of role model mostly falls to the parents, but it really does take a village; children are always watching and learning. They are a blank slate, a fresh journal, a gift of new life to the parent, and a potential gift to the whole world. They become that gift to the world through careful nurturing, and logical guidance that resonates with the deepest parts of them.
Children are natural observers too, soaking up everything that happens around them. Not just what they see, but what they feel. When a person’s words and actions seem “off”, no one can identify that faster than a child. In this way they are highly intuitive too; they know when something feels wrong, and it’s confusing to them.
Imagine you’re a young girl. It’s morning and you’re getting ready for school. As usual, your parents are fighting. Your father is saying awful, belittling things to your mother. There is lots of yelling, and it sometimes gives you a stomach ache because it’s just so much chaos, and you don’t know why it happens. It always makes you feel awful. Later after school, like a lot of days, your mom is telling a friend how much she loves your dad and how happy they are together.
You know about the Golden Rule from school, but your parents’ relationship seems totally unlike that. It’s so confusing. Does your dad want to be treated like that? Who would want to be yelled at? Why doesn’t mom yell back? Why does she lie? Nonetheless, it’s all you know, so it becomes your programming. Your model for what a romantic relationship looks like.
So you grow up to be a woman who puts up with belittling, hurtful statements being thrown at her. Not only do you put up with it, but you actually seek it out because it’s what you know. The Golden Rule applies in some instances, but not here. Not to you.
Stop The Cycle
Dad, like it or not, you are teaching your daughter what is acceptable treatment in adult relationships. If you want her treated with love and respect when she’s a grownup, you’ve got to show her what that looks like. You’re the grownup now.
You were the little sponge once. The way you treat people is a learned behavior… it’s your own programming. It’s the chaos your sweet younger self experienced, and he didn’t know why.
It’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility.
The job of being a father is such an enormous one because, if done right, you must break down your own “stuff” first. Only then you really craft your gift to the world. But what a beautiful gift it will be: A woman with an intuitive understanding of what a healthy relationship is, and how fantastic it should feel to be in one.
