Love it or hate it, one of the fundamental parts of being a parent is the tough talk about love and sex. You know the one: The “where babies come from” talk. While it might feel embarrassing to talk to your kids about this, it’s important. They need to know and understand basic human dynamics in life… sexual relations being a huge one… and you’re the one showing them the ropes in this world. So it’s got to be done.
In light of how much we know about our brains now, and how they develop into adulthood, another discussion worth having with your teen is the “your brain is changing” talk. It seems so logical and simple that while taking stock of the physical changes your teenager’s body is undergoing, the same should be done with their brain. It’s changing every day of their young lives, and that’s going to cause some friction in your happy household. Why not call out the elephant in the room? The “sex” talk and the “your brain” talk could really be the start of something special for you two. Believe it or not.
If you’re wondering how and why to broach this topic, recently a mother posted an answer on Quora that perfectly sums up the importance of having this kind of talk with your child. (1) After one too many fights that left them both exhausted, and with no clear winner, she corralled him in the car for a little one-on-one time. They needed to come to an understanding. It was one of those “your body is changing” talks, but instead of explanations for why voices lower and beards grow, it was all about why amygdalas make us crazy and frontal cortexes make us stupid.
It was brilliant, compassionate, and wise. While it did not make every issue magically evaporate, it did open a discussion around these invisible physical changes and offer some clarity for her son around some very fuzzy understandings.
Follow The Leader
Puberty isn’t just about outward changes. It’s important to remember that as a parent, you are shepherding this young person through some really confusing stuff. And you’re confused too, and that’s OK. That’s one of the reasons her answer is so great: it lets everyone off the hook.
When your brain is changing, it is what it is. It’s not always comfortable, easy or rational, but it’s happening. Sometimes, when certain children aren’t doing what we want them to do or acting how we feel they should act, we react with anger, or something other than compassion. We’re all human, and not always comfortable, easy or rational ourselves… even when our brains have already completed their transition to adulthood.
As science becomes more understanding of how we’re put together as humans, how we evolve from child to adult, and what those physical ramifications are, we can more easily articulate these things to our kids. That the answer to “why are we fighting so much?” might simply be that one of us is, right now, evolving rapidly.
That evolution is scary, sure, but isn’t everything less scary when you’re in it together? That’s exactly what this is all about. Being a ray of light and of hope for your kids, and not having all the answers.
Kids will surprise you with their ability to meet you where you’re at, and that’s why this really could be one of those special moments that you’ll treasure and that you can build on too. Traversing the unknown, together, is a lot of what this parenting thing is all about.
If handled well, those moments can become strong foundations for the rest of your lives.
Read the full response here.
