If you’re lucky, you’ll be able to go your whole life never being subjected to a narcissist and their emotionally abusive ways. But some estimates indicate that up to 30% of the population may have some narcissistic tendencies. So, unfortunately, it is quite likely that you’ll date one, or be friends with one, or even be related to one.

If you’re unfamiliar with the story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection, well… that’s pretty much the story. In this tale from Greek mythology, Narcissus is generally indifferent to others and is rather a self-motivated jerk. Well, nobody likes a jerk, so the gods made him fall hopelessly in love with his own reflection. So handsome he was, and so taken with his own gorgeous face, that he could never tear himself away from is own beautiful reflection. So his dumb ass starved to death. (1, 2)

Love Is Patient, Love Is Kind

In some cases, our first exposure to a narcissist is also our first exposure to love itself: a parent or close relative. If that happens, a person’s whole childhood is steeped in questions of what they had done wrong and why there was so much anger directed at them. When they never get those answers, but the behavior never lets up either, it becomes simply the way they view the world, and love relationships in general.

In other cases, we don’t have our first run-in with such toxicity until much later… but that doesn’t make it any less devastating. When you’re in love one minute, and the next they’re punching a hole in a wall right next to your face, it can be really disorienting. Depending on where you’re at in your own life and your own emotional growth, you might find yourself blind to it for a time.

You Are Not A Broken Woman

Regardless of when your life’s path crosses a narcissist’s, ultimately it will leave a mark. Here are some ways that you may feel broken, even though you are not a broken woman. What you need now, is to simply be aware that you’ve been in an unhealthy situation, and to care for yourself. Allow yourself to feel these things and work through them.

1. You may feel devalued or shamed – Narcissists will always try to make you feel awful. What they once loved about you, is now suddenly a problem. You’re made to feel that the problem is you, but that’s not accurate.
2. Fearful for your safety – Some narcissists cannot control their behavior, and before you know it they’ve dented your fridge. Such explosive anger is not healthy and it’s not your fault.
3. Apologetic for no good reason – Part of always feeling awful about yourself, is apologizing for things that aren’t yours to apologize for. Do you really owe an apology here? Breathe and assess.
4. Silencing yourself – Narcissists constantly need to dominate the conversation, so you might be wary of jumping into a new one, even though the person in front of you is not a narcissistic windbag. 
5. Feeling like you’re taking crazy pills – If you were raised by, or coupled up with a narcissist, it may take a little while to unravel the feeling of being told something didn’t happen, when it did, just one too many times.
6. Afraid to speak – Emotional abuse is a narcissist’s favorite tool of destruction, and they can be really mean. It might be hard to open your mouth for fear of repercussions you’ve experienced in the past.
7. Doing things you don’t want to do – After too much time with a narcissist, you might notice how readily you go along with things you don’t want to. The narcissist liked bowling, so you two joined a league. You got used to it. It’s OK to speak up though, bowling’s not for everyone.
8. Emotionally unavailable – If a perfectly nice person comes up and starts talking to you, and all your friends know they were showing an interest, but you can’t see it, you might need an emotional reset. People who’ve been hurt tend to shut down emotionally, so if that’s you, be gentle with yourself. 

Be Gentle With You

When a narcissist has really done a number on us, we’ll feel like we’re walking on eggshells around anyone… even those who love us or don’t mean any harm to us at all. It’s important to work through feelings like these. Then when you enter a new relationship you don’t take this awful energy with you. Narcissus wasn’t even present enough to back off and make himself a sandwich. Friend, you are too good for anyone who can’t get out of their own way like that. Take care of you, and that narcissist will be where they belong in no time: in your rearview mirror.