“Silence is sometimes the best answer”. This sage advice from his Holiness the Dalai Lama is a perfect reminder in today’s culture. We see more and more people butting heads with friends, family, and co-workers. It might benefit you to keep your mouth shut for your own mental well-being and social health in these dividing times. (1) Here are eight situations to keep quiet to keep the peace, and your sanity.

Being Response-able 

Give yourself time to respond rather than react

We’ve all been there. Someone says something to us, whether in a meeting, in passing, or as a critique. Our blood boils. And we want to defend ourselves. But this situation is actually an indicator to keep quiet. Practicing silence for a couple of breaths helps us respond calmly instead of reacting negatively. (2)

Give them time to respond

Awkward silence is, well, awkward. It’s difficult to let a question sit for a moment, but often those are situations where keeping quiet is most vital. Interrupting silence breaks others’ concentration. Plus we may come across as impatient or impulsive, especially if we ramble and say something we later regret. Give whoever you are conversing with a moment, and they will thank you for your attention. (3) 

Allow yourself to stay present

If we talk just to fill the void of silence, we aren’t fully present in the conversation. Forget trying to come up with a good response, just listen. After genuinely listening to the speaker, give yourself a moment to reflect on what you heard, and learned from them. When you respond from a place of presence, you have a better chance of being heard yourself. (4)

Situations to Keep Quiet and Save a Friendship

To Not Hurt Feelings

In her book A Year of Living Kindly, author Donna Cameron encourages readers to consider our own feelings and what the kindest action is when the truth would hurt someone’s feelings. Which response serves kindness- the truth, a loving lie, or silence? In some situations, keeping quiet keeps feelings from being hurt. (1)

To Not Offend Someone

The days of “taboo topics” has passed (where they went, I don’t know). People openly discuss religion, politics, and yes, sex almost everywhere these days. (2) But to maintain friendships and positive working relationships, perhaps silence still should be the golden rule. Will you voicing your opinion really change anything? Ask yourself “Would I rather be right or keep the peace?” We often can’t have both. (1)

Keep Quiet and Don’t Feed the Trolls

In Situations Someone is Trying to Taunt You

There are some people who just want to watch the world burn. They thrive on causing conflict, bringing others down to however low they are feeling themselves. These are situations to keep quiet, and not get caught up in the struggle or back-and-forth debate. (2)

We Get the Behaviors We Reinforce

Animal trainers know the true value attention has as reinforcement. When we respond to trolls, even when we are being response-able, we are giving them our energy. It’s a lot like the class clown causing chaos and getting in trouble. They are still receiving attention for those antics. If you want to completely shut down a negative person, don’t give them any thought or consideration. In keeping quiet, we stop the negativity in our own head.

Pass Through the Three Gates

A popular Buddhist principle is the three gates of speech. “Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates: At the first gate, ask yourself ‘Is it true?’ At the second gate ask, ‘Is it necessary?’ At the third gate ask, ‘Is it kind?’” (1, 2)

Practicing these three questions in all situations, we discover when it is best to speak our mind, give sound advice, or when to hold our tongues. 

Finding the right situation to keep quiet won’t just help us speak more intelligently. It will help us shine bright as an exemplar, stay present, and eliminate negativity. Keep the peace when we stay silent.