It’s tough when life serves up a manipulative person. Sometimes it’s a friend who reveals themselves as a manipulator after one too many things that make you go “hmmmmm”. Or perhaps a colleague or supervisor is the manipulative sort, making your 9-5 job feel more like a 24/7 operation. At some point in our lives, many of us find ourselves in a relationship with a manipulator. That can be a tough one. Serial manipulators tend to be rather charming and likable at the outset. That’s one of the frustrating things about them. By the time you figure out that you’ve been duped, your feelings are involved so it may not be as simple as walking away. But sometimes, that’s the best thing to do.
American poet and social activist Maya Angelou famously said “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” (1) Where a manipulator is concerned, this advice is golden. As a general rule, people like this lack empathy so the situation is unlikely to change. How do you know if you’ve got a manipulative person in your midst? There’s a good chance you know it instinctively on some level. This type of person has a way of making us feel terrible about ourselves. But there are certain ways they communicate that will tip you off too. They tend to gaslight, belittle, and exaggerate in order to get their way and employ certain key phrases to get the job done. Here are 8 of the phrases that manipulators love the most.
“This is your fault”
No one likes to be the cause of problems, so this blunt statement is not something anyone would want to hear. This is especially true if you’re invested in this person or situation, so it’s a particularly hurtful and unnecessary statement.
“You don’t understand”
Dismissive statements like this are not constructive and only serve to put you on the defense. It turns a conversation into an unnecessary battle of wits.
“Stop being paranoid”
Manipulators love to make you feel crazy. They’ll deny anything they said or did if it serves them to do so. You know what you saw. You know what they said. Don’t let them get their hooks in you like this.
“You should be ashamed of yourself”
Ah, the blame and shame game. Fun stuff. Pass.
“You just don’t care about _______”
Whether it’s them that you supposedly don’t care about, or your job, or the task at hand, just know that it’s not you who doesn’t care about it. It’s them.
“It’s so frustrating dealing with you”
Well, if that’s not the pot calling the kettle black, I just don’t know what is. You’re not frustrating to deal with, they are frustrated by their inability to control you or the situation.
“You always do this”
This is another dismissive statement that adds no value to the conversation. In all likelihood you do not “always do this”, but rather they are always too easily triggered.
“You never get it right”
A close cousin of “you always do this”, “you never get it right” is a terrible thing to say to someone and a common refrain for those who wish to keep you down. Don’t buy into it.
Do any of these sound familiar to you? If so, it’s time to take a look at the situation you’re in, and take care of you! Don’t be afraid to leave; new opportunities will arise when you free up that space for something less toxic.
