Words are powerful such that they can both heal and destroy. When they’re misused surrounding people with mental illness, it does the latter. More specifically, people who don’t fully understand the scope of anxiety disorder sometimes say words like “other people have it worse than you do” or “I think you’re just looking for reasons to be upset,” which can do more harm than good.
And while those comments are considered “advice” or “comforting words” to them, they translate as painful jabs that come from a place of ignorance.
But don’t worry, we’re here to enlighten you on some things you should avoid telling someone with an anxiety disorder in your attempt to “help them” even if your intentions are well. First, let’s decipher the difference between someone that feels anxiety and someone with an anxiety disorder.
Normal Anxiety vs. Anxiety Disorder
Everyone will feel anxious at one point in their life BUT not to the extent of someone with an anxiety disorder. Feeling anxious at times could happen when you’re feeling stressed out about moving to a new place, starting a new job, or when you’re making a big decision. It’s a feeling of fear, and though it may feel unpleasant, it won’t work against you. It may even motivate you to do better. At the end of the day, it doesn’t interfere with your everyday life. (1)
On the other hand, an anxiety disorder can be severe, and it affects the way you live life. How common is anxiety disorder? According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, 40 million adults in the US age 18 and older are affected by anxiety disorders, which is the most common mental illness in the country. That statistic translates to 18.1% of the population every year.
People with anxiety disorders are fearful all the time, and it can be disabling even with tasks that they usually enjoy doing. In extreme cases, it prevents people from leaving their home, crossing the street, or even entering an elevator.
Major Types of Anxiety Disorders
Not only is anxiety disorder different from normal feelings of anxiety but there are also different kinds of this mental illness. (2)
- Panic Disorder – people with this disorder get panic attacks at random, which are often accompanied by chest pains, sweat, and strong heart palpitations. It may also feel like you’re choking or having a heart attack.
- Social Anxiety Disorder – everyday social situations are overwhelming, and they make you feel self-conscious. It deeply worries you about what other people think and feelings of being embarrassed and ridiculed. It’s also called social phobia.
- Specific phobias – people with specific phobias experience feel extreme levels of anxiety when faced with an object or situation they’re fearful of, like heights or a particular animal.
- Generalized anxiety disorder – being extremely anxious, worried and tense for little to no reason
Now that we’ve broken down the different types of anxiety disorders and how this mental illness differs from normal anxiety, it’s time to find how our words can affect someone who’s struggling with it.
8 Harmless Comments that Hurt People with Anxiety
We’ve already jotted down a couple of statements in the beginning about hurtful comments that people say out of ignorance. Here are twelve other comments to add to the list that we should avoid saying.
1. “Everybody feels stressed sometimes.”
As we’ve mentioned above, regular stress doesn’t equate to an anxiety disorder. Lexie B. was told that everybody feels like that, and she adds, “but if I am disclosing how I am feeling to you then the last thing I want is you trying to shift the focus to ‘everyone’ else. I have opened up to you because I want to talk about me. Turning it into being about everyone else doesn’t help and just makes me feel like I am not valid.” A valuable lesson for all of us is to be a listening ear to those who are confiding in us about their feelings. At best, avoid discounting their feelings as “normal” and “common” because we’re not in their shoes and we can’t make those assumptions.
2. “Stop freaking out”
Stephanie R has been told this comment in the past, but it doesn’t help because there’s no button you can press that tells your anxiety to stop. Anxiety isn’t controllable and Stephanie shares, “Anxiety doesn’t care if its’ actually big or not”
3. “Just calm down”
Kristy H. explains, “This is seriously one of the most detrimental things you can say to someone with anxiety. We seriously don’t wake up wanting to stress and worry and overall exhaust ourselves with everything around and inside of us.” Because who wants to purposely make themselves feel high levels of anxiety right? No one. So, let’s stop telling people to calm down in an effort to comfort them.
4. “You were fine a minute ago”
Ruby C. was “comforted” with these words along with “you have no reason to be upset.” She said, “This is a big one for me because the smallest things that happen to me can cause a panic attack. If I could stop these, I would, but I don’t have control of them and saying stuff like that makes it worse.”
5. “You’re overreacting.”
Part of ending the stigma surrounding anxiety disorder is to recognize how it affects people and one is that it’s not a reaction they choose to express. Patricia B. said, “I am constantly told I’m overreacting to damn near everything. To calm down. Chill out. Mind you, in a tone that just feels so condescending.”
6. “Well, go and get help then.”
It’s easy to say this comment to someone when you don’t understand what they’re going through. Lauren M. shared, “‘Well go and get help then!’ is my dad’s answer whenever I’m struggling. Unfortunately, I can’t share how I’m feeling with my family, and that can sometimes make situations with them difficult. Particularly in publicly if I’m mid-attack and they’re just having a go at me. They’re not bad people; they just don’t understand mental illness.”
7. “Again?”
Jessica S. shares how she feels when she’s told this one word. She said, “When someone asks ‘again?’ when I tell them I’m anxious or feeling weird or express my panic or anything like that… like yes, it’s happening ‘again.’ It happens often at times, and then I can experience breaks, but it never goes away, and I know they don’t mean it to be mean, but it’s hard for me too having to go through anxiety attacks and feeling anxious every day…”
8. “You don’t seem like someone who would have anxiety.”
We can’t and should never discount someone’s anxiety just because we don’t know what it feels like to be in their position. Ruby C. was told this comment, and she responded with, “[Is it] because I’m not walking around breathing into a paper bag 24/7? [It] made me feel completely invalid.”
Conclusion
Anxiety disorder is a serious matter and throwing these words around can hurt people suffering from this illness. If you’ve mistakenly said any of these comments in the past towards people with anxiety, it’s important that you don’t say them anymore. Instead, be a listening ear to someone who trusts you enough to share their feelings with you. Let’s all contribute to ending the stigma surrounding mental illness starting with how we communicate to those who are struggling with it.
