It’s not easy to lose someone you love especially if that person is the one who’s given you your life and who has been your number one cheerleader from the start. Coping with their loss may seem unbearable at times and you have no way of knowing when it will get easier to accept that they’re no longer physically present in your life.
Everyone deals with grief differently and there’s certainly no formula on how to move forward in life without your loved one. But it does help to read about other people’s stories and hear about their experiences when they went through it.
Here are 10 things people have experienced after losing a parent and how their lives have changed since then.
“10 Things I Learned When I Lost My Parent”
1. I Felt Very Alone
Our parents become our solid rock and comfort. When one of them dies, it makes it difficult to stand. For Eleni Kyriacou, she became an adult orphan at 39 years old when she lost her dad first and her mother five years later.
She recalls, “For me it’s as if my roots have been hacked away: my parents are the reason I’m here, what held me up. They had been the one stable point during my whole life, the constant. Yes, I’m an adult and can stand alone. But there are times I still need my mother and father, times I feel very alone. I have a lovely husband and wonderful friends. I’m grateful for all of them. But they’re not my parents.”
Regardless of the life that we’ve built for ourselves, the role of our parents in our lives don’t change. They’re the pillars that guide and support us for as long as they can.
2. I’m Impacting My Son’s Life
For Lisa Schmidt, she hopes to show her own son how loved he is, just as she felt growing up being lavishly loved by her parents. She says, “I am always acutely aware of what memories can mean to my son and how I will impact his life while I am on this earth.”
We hope to be half the person our parents have been to us. Not only do they care deeply but they gift us with countless memories to cherish.
3. I’m Reliving Our Memories
For Alan Marsden who went through a grieving process as well when he lost his father, he shares an important thought and says, “Don’t avoid reliving your precious moments in your mind’s eye. A time will come when you smile or laugh to yourself just as you did at the time. So, let your parent live on in your thoughts, and enjoy seeing them there any time you wish.”
4. I Help Children Deal with The Truth
For Shelley Gilbert, death was a taboo topic in her family. She shares, “I was taken away from all the things that go on around death and dying. Nobody said anything. I was at my auntie’s house, I stayed there for a couple of weeks and I kept nagging, saying, ‘Can I phone my dad, I want to speak to him’ – it was only then that they told me. I was the last to know.” Her father’s death was hidden from her and that prompted her to start a charity called Grief Encounter. With that, she has devoted her life to telling children the truth about death and hearing, in turn, their feelings about being bereaved.
5. I Will Talk About It
Prince Harry chimed in on this topic when he said that he regrets not talking sooner about the death of his mother, Diana, Princess of Wales, who died in a car accident when he was 12. He said, “it’s OK to suffer, as long as you talk about it. It’s not a weakness. Weakness is having a problem and not recognizing it and not solving the problem.”
6. I Have a Newfound Appreciation for Life
Losing a parent is devastating but it also teaches us not to take the people in our lives for granted. Living a long life is not guaranteed and as cliché as it sounds, every day is a gift. People who have grieved a loss know this very much.
Eleni Kyriacou says, “Eight years on, and it still affects me. When I hear someone whinge about visiting their parents at Christmas, it’s all I can do not to groan out loud. I want to shake them (and possibly give them a good, hard slap). I want to say, “Don’t you realize how lucky you are?” But, of course, I don’t.”
7. I Felt Surreal Disorientation
It’s partly shock and a mix of other emotions that makes a person feel disoriented after a loss. For Tor Constantino, this feeling emerged when his father passed and weeks thereafter. He says, “It’s difficult to explain but for several weeks after my dad’s death, I wasn’t really sad per se but rather had a profound sense of disorientation—like when you wake up logy from a deep sleep on a summer afternoon, not knowing where or who you are.”
It’s feeling off balanced while having to tend to a plethora of responsibilities at the same time and having little energy to handle it. In addition, you’re coping and you’re emotional. Surreal disorientation sure does describe mourning perfectly.
8. I’m Open to Growth
The death of a parent is certainly not a test of strength. As mentioned above, it’s normal to feel weak. Sheila McCann wrote an article that describes the good that can come out grief. It’s the power of transformation. She explains, “Loss and struggle hold the seeds of transformation. I don’t think anybody wants to experience pain. I know I sure don’t. But as I have experienced loss and struggle in my life, I have noticed a pattern: I get stronger, and the seeds of that struggle result in growth.”
It’s difficult to look at the good that can come out of a loss but if there’s one small thing, it would be the growth.
9. I Learned to Live in The Moment
As someone who’s endured the death of both parents, Joyce Marter said it best. “Death reminds us that all we have for certain is right now and recalibrates our values. Don’t waste your life second guessing your past or waiting to live your life. Live life passionately and fearlessly. Live today and every day to its fullest, brilliant magnificence. Laugh with abandon.”
The present moment is guaranteed. Tell your family you love them and celebrate the life of your parents with them because life can happen and we don’t want to live with regret not being able to appreciate our parents while they’re still alive.
10. I Appreciated My Siblings Even More
Lastly, people have shared how much they appreciate their siblings even more after the passing of their parents. Though they all go through their own ways of coping, there’s comfort in collectively experiencing the painful journey together. Tor Constantino expressed, “When mom and dad died, just a word or a look or a gesture amongst us siblings conveyed meaning and understanding that even our respective spouses didn’t necessarily appreciate. But we did appreciate it and each other. Whether they know it or not, my siblings helped me a great deal—even though I never expressly told them so.”
Conclusion
These stories tell us that everyone’s experience when it comes to losing a parent is different. For some, it’s easy to be strong and for others, accepting it is too far-fetched. Either way, there’s no right or wrong method to cope.
What we can learn from these experiences is that there’s some light at the end of the tunnel. Grieving a loss won’t be an easy journey but eventually, life will get a bit easier, growth will happen or a greater appreciation for life will be found.
